Having just read Dr. Brene’ Brown’s Daring Greatly, I’m here to shed light on the dark because as Brown quotes in the book, ‘numb the dark and you numb the light.’ The book is about shame and vulnerability–two big things that most people avoid, don’t understand, and hardly talk about. Her 12 years of research has concluded that those people who have the courage to open up their kimonos are those people who will live a more connected, fulfilled, and loving life.

Her message is simple: shame shines through only if you are unwilling to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is at THE CORE - THE HEART - THE CENTER - of meaningful experiences.

Most people never develop skills in being vulnerable because most people are more interested in building up their armor and defenses so no one can really sees the true self. We spend all this unnecessary energy shielding ourselves from getting hurt and going out of our way to avoid shame. All in the name of then feeling disconnected, not fulfilled, and not loved.

At the end of the book, Brown talks about this notion of being an ‘other.’ She cites a story about her daughter who comes home one afternoon so distraught over an event at school. Growing up as a chubby kid was tough but being a chubby kid with red hair and freckles made my youth full of experiences when I felt ‘not enough.’ The story she tells here took me back to those middle school days where all I yearned for was to fit in and just belong to a group. Eventually I found my circle through athletics, but that inside hurt at that age was raw and real.

Even today, off-handed comments are made by people who don’t realize their cute little phrase may offend or potentially even hurt someone. Phrases such as ‘don’t act like that red-headed stepchild’ make me cringe. You see, I’m a redhead and yes, I’m loved, but am also technically a stepchild. As a grown adult with a good sense of self, I find these types of off-handed remarks, frankly, a common way for the sender to get perhaps a giggle, but for the receiver, a reminder of being ‘less than’ and ‘not enough.’ It’s essentially an off-handed shaming phrase that reinforces messages of the past.

Let me give you another example. Remember in middle school when it was recess and the teacher assigned two captains for athletic teams? And remember how the captains would pick one person and then the other captain would pick the next person? And then once a team was formed, there were extras or ‘the others?’ Yeah, I was always in the ‘the other’ group – always. So not only was I somewhat of an outcast because of my hair color and my size, but now it was confirmed that I was certainly not enough because my peers sealed the deal with always picking me last.

Here's what I know -- people just want to belong

"It's the innate desire to be part of something 
larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, 
we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by 
seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes 
for belonging, but often barriers to it. 
True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, 
imperfect selves to the world, our sense of 
belonging can never be greater than our level of 
self-acceptance."
Brene' Brown

Evolving and changing is life and without it you are not living. My recent wellness focus and evolution has opened my thinking into the self-development realm — not the woo woo hippy thing but a selfish examination of exploring me. And part of this examination has led me to the willingness to be more open and vulnerable in my relationships, connections with people, creativity and time. It’s allowed me to examine in a honest way who I am, who I am not, who lights me up and who sucks energy out of me. As a result of this honesty, I’ve been blessed with new relationships, new adventures and a blossoming of a more authentic persona which in turn has created more joy for myself and others around me.

Once I discovered the inside part out, the outside part happened.